Nuthin but Hearsay

inappropriate comments

2005-11-07T20:51:00.000-05:00

Overheard comment from a male partner to a female assistant, outside my office:
P: Can you highlight the section about the springing member....doesn't that sound dirty?

Also, on a similar note, I was just informed that one of my friends spent the weekend in new york, catcalling the hot male marathon runners, specifically by shouting "hey hot stuff." classic.

no one cat calls me, but occasionally i'll have one of those days where everyone gives me a funny look, like i've got a pair of socks static-clinging to my ass. could be i'm just paranoid, but i tend to believe it stems from the day that I actually did go to a class with a sock on my bottom.

Excuse Me?

2005-10-24T22:21:00.000-04:00

**Disclaimer- nothing in this post is intended to be an admission that I allegedly damaged a city of baltimore meter maid's car, which I didn't. But she was asleep in the car, and therefore is a totally unreliable witness as to the speed I was going (which was very very slowly).***

Recently, the claims adjuster from my insurance company called me to discuss the alleged bumper damage I caused someone's car, while going about 2 mph in a 7-11 parking lot. He told me that the city employee (who was sleeping in the car at the time) hired a lawyer (which deserves its own separate post where I'll say things about city workers that I really shouldn't).

I asked for her lawyer's name. The claims adjuster said, why, are you a lawyer? To which I replied, yes, i am. And he said...
"you mean, you work for a lawyer?" wtf is that about?

That's What I'm Talking About

2005-10-23T22:36:00.000-04:00

Northwestern is #21 in the AP Poll.

Ravens lost. It was a purple-purple offset. So i'm ok. Except now I'm really down that I can't go to homecoming next weekend.

Halloween in Chicago is crazy- and I've got the pictures to prove it. People don't really go all out with the costumes in Baltimore, at least not at the bars--so even though I feel it's crucial to holding on to my youth that I get dressed up in something way too short (and problem in black vinyl) and go out, I risk making a total fool of myself--which was fine in college. But now I'm always nervous I'll be out, and do something stupid in front of opposing counsel (the irony being that 75% of the lawyers I know have admitted drinking problems, and its fully acceptable once you're a partner).

And the day that I get one of those "this IS my costume" shirts, I might as well start buying mom-jeans and easy spirit heels (looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker). It will be a game-time decision, based in large part, i think, on how important I feel my dignity is at that moment. We'll see..

Smells Like Victory

2005-10-22T16:04:00.000-04:00

49-14.
Go U NU.
I always knew the Spartans were a bunch of pansies- the stadium emptied out at the 3rd quarter. What kind of support is that?
This is definitely headed for a Big 10 Championship (Penn State be damned).
I should book my tickets to Tempe, Arizona now---anyone want to go in on that with me?

Questions

2005-10-20T20:33:00.000-04:00

Why do some lawyers traditionally start their motions with "Now comes the movant..." I don't like that at all.

Why do I feel the need to use "Patricia" instead of "Patti" on pleadings. (Probably for the same reason that I like getting mail from other lawyers that says Patti, Esquire).

Why, no matter how often I reapply makeup, do I look like a dead rat at the end of a long day?

Why do lawyers in NY have attitudes? Why do lawyers in Annapolis wear bermuda shorts? Why do lawyers in chicago not answer their own phones?

Why, No Matter What People Say, Lawyers Don't Make Enough

2005-10-18T12:15:00.000-04:00

Monday, 10:17 a.m.- Email arrives from general counsel, stating that a document needs to get e-filed with the court, and will be sent to me some time today.

Monday, 11:43 p.m.- Email arrives with document.

A Few Things

2005-10-15T18:01:00.000-04:00

Oops, I did it again- if anyone is reading this cause they're pissed about how my comment on wings and vodka got posted 5 times, I'm really sorry---it was an accident, and I figured better to apologize here, than to enrage his fans with more comments.

Purple men cancel out- The Ravens may be quite the disappointment this season, but NU is on a roll. I've replaced my shrine to Kyle Boller with Brett Basanez instead. Yeah, Kyle is still the hotter of the two, but at least he doesn't date B list stars with bad boob jobs. Oh, and I've heard that Kyle has been seen at Power Plant Live in baltimore, which also demotes him, in my opinion. I believe I called NU's comeback season back in August, and specifically that g-l-o-r-i-o-u-s win against Wisco.

Work- The BAPCPA (Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Creditor Protection Act) (also referred to by the local judges as "No Creditor Left Behind") goes into effect this Monday. People have been saying its like tax day-- I think that is totally inaccurate. People file taxes cause they dont want to hide their money. People are rushing to file chapter 7s before monday so that they can hide their assets.

Final thought- I had my first bratwurst this week. I didn't like it much.

i love the smell of wet paint in the morning

2005-09-18T11:25:00.000-04:00

so what do you do when you've spent an entire day painting your new bedroom in a color that looked really beautiful on the color chip, but by 8 p.m. you realize that the headache isn't from the paint fumes -- it's from staring at 3 walls in something called "Carolina Parakeet"...? The best advice I can give anyone feeling inspired by one of those home-renovation shows and browsing the aisles at Home Depot--- Don't do it. For the love of god, don't do it.

Yeah- what he said.

2005-09-12T18:59:00.000-04:00

Vacation is Over... an open letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush
Friday, September 2nd, 2005
Dear Mr. Bush:
Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.
Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?
Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!
I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?
And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!
On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.
There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.
No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!
You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.
Yours,
Michael MooreMMFlint@aol.com www.MichaelMoore.com
P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

thoughts from a hotel in charlottesville

2005-08-29T23:20:00.000-04:00

here I am in charlottesville, va, to interview the 2Ls at UVA (hereinafter "OCI"). I've been trying to come up with good questions to ask in the 20 minutes that we spend with each interviewee, and here's what I've come up with so far:

1. Kyle Boller: weak qb, or one fine piece of eye candy?
2. You think you're better than I am, huh?
3. In three sentences or less, summarize the Slaughterhouse cases.
4. Do these pinstripes make me look fat?
5. What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word "penal"
6. If we hired you, would you bring me coffee in the morning?
7. So what do you think of Sarbanes-Oxley? The congressmen, not the act.

And of course, the all-time best question ever to make someone either (a) sweat, or (b) give a really canned answer:

Tell me, what else should I know about you that's not on your resume?

But truthfully, looking at resumes now has given me some perspective, and in retrospect, man I wish I hadn't dotted my i's with little hearts.

Thoughts on the bar exam

2005-07-25T17:45:00.000-04:00

It could always be worse---

-You could be one of the people who failed law school and now wishes they were taking the bar

-You could be taking the california bar

-You could be from New Jersey

-You could be sitting in a law review office, working on a source pull

I'm sure you will all do just fine. Really. But just in case, I'm going to share some wisdom that someone told me, around this time last year:

"Hey, the world needs ditch diggers, too."

oh shit...i forget what happened.....

2005-07-16T23:26:00.000-04:00

I really did mean to post a long, and very funny entry about the trip to Barbados for Fera's wedding. Unfortunately, that was the first week in May and I cant really recall much of the trip. hmm... let's see....top things I can remember from barbados:

1. while everyone else was out snorkeling, stacey managed to keep her vomit confined to the trash can i handed her.

2. at a bar, we met two guys named wade and slim, and slim lives in a purple house called "shadyville." and people we know WENT HOME WITH THEM...

3. good ol' rumple tried desperately to make a reappearance. we said thanks, but no thanks.

4. stacey made me spy on people having sex in the ocean.

5. oh yeah- Fera got married. obviously that should make the list, except that unlike everything else on here, it wasnt really cause for mockery.

6. I did get in the water...after extensive reassurance there wouldnt be any octopi or squid, and it was defintely worth it, as I got to swim with giant green sea turtles- and snorkle over some very cool, albeit a little spooky, sunked wrecks.

7. we drank. A LOT.

What didnt happen in barbados:

1. I did NOT get a tan. everyone else had burns. and i gotnuthin. figures.

ugh

2005-06-27T17:20:00.000-04:00

anyone else get stomach aches from guacamole or avocados? just curious. oh man, do i love alka seltzer right now.
(by the way, yes- i know i havent posted in a long time. i've been busy. but the barbados post is on its way).

we're #1! we're #1!

2005-05-01T18:14:00.000-04:00

last week baltimore made the #1 slot on espn's top ten plays countdown. Not for the Orioles's great April, not for the Raven's draft picks.... noooooo- ESPN honored bmore with the spot because some buffalo got loose in the county and the police had to corral them onto a tennis court. On an excitement level, it's really pretty weak, except that at one point a buffalo (or bison, the debate rages on), charged the police, knocking down the very high-tech fence they had created with lawn chairs.

Hey, we'll take what we can get.

don't call it a comeback

2005-04-26T23:15:00.000-04:00

I was up.... now i'm back near the bottom of the barrel. Fantasy baseball is a fickle thing. Never have I cared so much about RBIs and ERAs and WHIP and all those other letters whose importance I don't understand. All I know is first place good, last place bad.

And did you know some guys go to the baseball games and fill out the stats on these creepy little charts as the game's being played? I saw someone doing that a few weeks ago and I think it's unamerican. Those are the same guys who will wait until you';ve got a mouthful of hotdog before they explain to you how they're made.... sucking the joy out of everything.

Baseball

2005-04-22T10:43:00.000-04:00

So i started out strong in my fantasy baseball league. However, thanks to Marcus Giles' inability to recover from an itty-bitty hit to the wrist, as well as the dismal catching abilities of Mike Piazza, and a crappity-crap overall batting average for my roster, I have quickly dropped to last place.

Granted, I don't know squat about baseball. I've got a ghost-manager, and I tend to favor players based on how attactive their faces and rear-ends are.

But I do know one thing-- cubbies fans aren't the only ones bemoaning Nomar's groin tear yesterday. Poor, poor Mia Hamm.

Opening Day

2005-04-04T18:41:00.000-04:00

It is a b-e-a-utiful day in Baltimore. It's 65 degrees, the sky is blue, the sun is shining- the O's shut out the A's. Sammy Sosa has brought a little bit of my missed Chi-town to my beloved Bmore. People are standing outside Pickles drinking huge plastic cups of beer, slurring their speech and proudly wearing their orange and black, that anywhere else would look just a little tacky. There's a line of cars leaving the stadium, probably half a mile long, that I can see from my office window. And while I was looking out at the cars and the stumbling fans that's when the full force of what someone said to me in the bathroom this morning really hit me: "Ain't it a shitty world that we have to work for a living?" Amen to that.

bachelorette party

2005-03-28T10:03:00.000-05:00

So....I realize the bachelorette party was a week ago, but it took me a full week to decide what was and was not appropriate to post about. That, and I just received an email with pictures I don't remember being taken, of places I don't remember being, of things I don't really recall doing. Ah, alcohol.
At any rate, here's my list of Top 10 Things that did, and didn't happened at Fera's bachelorette party on March 19-20 in NYC:

Stacey got up close and personal with Nature (and I dont mean peeing in the woods).
I didn't kiss any strippers, unlike the rest of the party.
Fera received enough obscene panties to last her the entire wedding/vacation.
No one puked.
No one passed out in front of the elevator at the hotel (If i were that guy, i'd be pissed at whoever abandoned me there).
No one went home with a stripper.
Shirley kissed every man in Manhattan (at least, according to the pictures)
I learned that just because NYC has the most people, doesn't mean it has the most attractive people. (unless you're willing to pay a $20 cover to see them, and even then it's all plastic surgery and lots of time spent at sephora).
I met the one guy who nyc who will admit not only being from Baltimore, but also damn proud of it.
and finally---> we fully tested to its limits the theory that you can drink as much as you want, and you won't feel it until you stand up.... or get a $350 bar tab.

13 for 16

2005-03-18T09:57:00.000-05:00

After the first day of March Madness, I am 13 for 16 in my firm pool. Not that it matters all that much to me this year, seeing as how the Terps are an NIT team. 11 straight years in the tourney...tsk tsk. That's ok-- I'm still predicting a strong ACC showing, which in retrospect, will show everyone that just maybe they should have let 6 teams in this time around...maybe kept LSU out? I dunno- just a thought.

Also, leaving this afternoon for a bachelorette party in NYC. THAT should be an interesting time. Stories to follow...

Bankruptcy Glamour

2005-03-14T14:57:00.000-05:00

We're high profile now.... that's right- Bankruptcy law is all over the news cause Congress is about to pass the "Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005." Yeehaw.
Actually, if you've been following this Bill, it gives you faith that government can actually move quickly when it wants to. This thing is going through Congress like a double-bran muffin. It was introduced into the Senate on Feb 1, and passed the Senate last week.

I truly believe the next few months may be the only time I get to talk about the Bankruptcy Code at a party because someone actually asked me about it, and not just because I can't think of anything else to say. Or not.

On a semi-related note, a few weeks ago, I was getting ready to give a presentation with a partner on executory contracts at one of our other offices, and before we left he asked me if I "had the code, in case someone asks a question we don't have the answer to."
.....to which I replied, "the code?"
"Yeah, the code. Do you have it?"
"No, I don't have it. How bout I just defer to you on the question if I don't have the answer? I'll say "the crow flies at midnight" and you'll know I'm lost."
[partner, with look of absolute confusion and then amusement]: "Not a secret code. the Bankruptcy Code....newbies..."
"Oh, right. I knew that."

You may recognize me from such shows as The Swan...

2005-03-11T18:16:00.000-05:00

Today I offered to show a partner at work the passport photo I had taken at lunch. I was a little unhappy with the results, saying that it wasn't my best picture, to which he responded:

"Well, you're no model. But you're supposed to look haggard in a passport photo, so they can identify you while traveling."

Sweet.

Classic Bush

2005-03-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

I know it's old. I know you've probably read the quote before.... but hearing it directly from Bush just makes it so much better.
ObGyn Love
The quote, if you can't open that link, is:
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

It's Huntin Season

2005-03-09T14:23:00.001-05:00

A state after my own heart- Wisconsin is considering allowing people to shoot feral cats. The Cat Proposal, to be heard next month by the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, would reclassify cats as "unprotected animals," and permit anyone with a license to hunt small game to shoot them.
The full story is here.
Even if this doesn't go through in WI, I'm thinking about starting a similar initiative here in Maryland. I think one of my earliest posts was actually about famous cat-haters. I don't mean to offend anyone, but cats really are awful animals.

Totally unrelated aside- you ever notice that the buttons on clothing from Ann Taylor always get loose and fall off? It's like they think that providing you with that extra button in the envelope makes up for shoddy sewing.

It's Huntin Season

2005-03-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

Fair is Fair.

2005-03-07T17:07:00.000-05:00

It's 68 degrees in Baltimore today. just thought you'd like to know.
This past weekend, i went skiing at 7 springs with some friends from law school. It was quite the informative weekend. Here's a short list of, inter alia, things that I learned from this trip:

1. the person third in line for the presidency is called the president pro temporare

2. in a group containing four lawyers, no one knew the current speaker of the house

3. I am no good at playing asshole

4. in pennsylvania, liquor can only be sold in state-run liquor stores.

4a. You can't buy beer at liquor stores.

4b. you can't buy red bull in beer stores.

4c. you can, however, buy budweiser in commemorative 1935 cans, that your friends will say doesn't taste quite like budweiser usually tastes.

5. no matter how much you drink, and how heavily you sleep, you can still hear a squeaking mattress behind 2 closed doors.

6. no one can get both nipples in their own mouth at once.

7. certain bodily functions are funny no matter how old you get.

8. certain bodily functions are disgusting, no matter how much you love someone.

9. when caught in a bathroom stall, holding up a line of large, belligerent drunk women, the safest way out is to exit looking like you just puked.

and the last thing I learned this past weekend: sometimes a sausage is just a sausage.

Parking Wars

2005-02-28T09:48:00.000-05:00

I don't know if this is the practice everywhere, but here in Baltimore, when we get a big snow, the parking wars begin. When people living in the city who park on the street shovel out their cars and drive off, there is a mad dash for the spot. It's so contentious, that people have taken to putting lawn chairs, cones, sofas, etc. in their shoveled out spaces. In some neighborhoods, if you move those lawnchairs, you risk getting the shit beaten out of you.
So-- it's supposed to snow today and tonight. If you're visiting baltimore in the next few days, take my advice- park in a garage. Cause when it comes to parking wars, the people of Baltimore are dirt mean.

Dialogue

2005-02-23T11:35:00.000-05:00

Me: Can I ask you a question?
Partner: (standing around, drinking coffee) No. I'm busy.
Me: (unsure whether the partner is serious) umm...
Partner: I'm in the middle of something. Go away.

Clearly, tact is something that, if you've got it at the start of your career, erodes with time.

Another Night of Bachelorette

2005-02-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

Andrew firestone is stopping by! I'm overcome right now with shame that I'm actually looking forward to this.
This season, i was a bachelorette virgin- i laughed at people who were concerned with what trista and ryan were planning for their date or who was going to get a rose. And now, I hang my head and mutter that I've been a Jerry fan from the first episode of this season. And I think the french dude was a jerk.... and Jean-Paul? please- don't trust a man with two first names.

A Truly Sad Day

2005-02-21T11:21:00.000-05:00

Last night, Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide. This is a huge loss for the journalism community, the drug-using community, those not fully in touch with reality, and just about everyone else. He was my hero when I was in journalism school. And I know my friend, Nate, is going to be truly crushed by the news. I guess you can only lick so many toads before it starts to take its toll.

Who's Got a Federal Bar Number?!

2005-02-18T11:03:00.000-05:00

Patti's got a federal bar number!
I was admitted this morning to the U.S. District Court for the District of Maryland. Electronic case filing, here I come. (for those non-lawyers, here's the deal: you pass the bar, you get sworn in to state court...then, when you finally get around to it, you fill out a form and get sworn in to the federal district court- so no, it was no big feat. I didnt have to take another test or anything).

Why the excitement, you ask? Because I'm in the bankruptcy & creditors rights group at my firm, which is all federal law, and bankruptcy court is a federal court, without a bar number I'm worth dirt. Of course, with a bar number, i'm still only worth dirt and a chiclet. But i'll take dirt and a chiclet over dirt any day.

Me and the Big V

2005-02-08T17:00:00.000-05:00

No, not virginity, though my mother might like to think that.
I'm talking about Valentine's Day.
It's rough, man. Rough. There is so much pressure associated with Valentine's day, it's probably worse than New Years Eve. I mean, if you love someone, then you love them. If you don't, then you don't. Some chocolate and a doily heart don't change that. But for some reason, you're labeled as 'bitter' if you put up any resistance to the idea, or don't pretend that whole ordeal isn't terribly awkward. So bring it on-- let's get this over with and get on with the year.

And in case you've got a twisted sense of humor, like I do, here's some links to bitter Valentine's day presents for the jilted, the downtrodden and the maladjusted:

Bittersweets: conversation hearts with sayings like PRENUP OKAY?; U+ME=GRIEF ; and I MISS MY EX. They come in a delightful array of chalky flavors: Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid.
Dead fish and melted chocolates That's one hell of a combo.
Dead roses.

Ssssssssssss, rattle rattle.

2005-02-07T10:51:00.000-05:00

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose."Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

They Got a Pepper Bar

2005-02-04T11:13:00.000-05:00

Oh, in tribute to my quiznos singing friend in WI, here's the original song by the Spongemonkeys, entitled "We Like the Moon."
http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/

"We like the moon coz it is close to us
we like the moooon!
but not as much as a spoon
cuz that's more use for eating soup
and a fork isn't very useful for that unless it has got many vegetables
and then you might be better off with a chop-stick!"

Why does this strike me as so funny? I can't say for sure, but it's probably indirectly related to the rat poison boxes that my mother used to keep in the cereal cabinet, to keep rodents out of the cheerios. That, or the paint on the backporch that my brother and I ate, whichI always thought tasted sort of chocolately.
Yeah, you think I'm joking. Trust me, I'm not.

Puxatawney Phil...

2005-02-02T17:03:00.000-05:00

You can bite me.

2005-02-01T13:44:00.000-05:00

"You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He's the best lawyer in Miami. He's such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm."

This Week at Old Navy

2005-01-31T18:41:00.000-05:00

Stacey admitted that my Old Navy jeans were awesome. That's big news. (She's a little bit of a denim snob). I can't help it. Baltimore is po-dunk. We love our Old Navy and spam.

double secret vacation

2005-01-31T18:37:00.000-05:00

I went somewhere. but I can't say where.
why?
I could tell you, but then i'd have to kill you.
the pictures, however, are awesome. I didn't puke.
Oh, and chesty laRue went ice skating. And she only fell once.

Well wrap me in foil and call me Miss Cleo.

2005-01-31T18:23:00.000-05:00

I've decided that the only way I can please a certain partner I work for is to somehow become clairvoyant, because the ONLY way anyone could deduce from what he says, what it actually is that he wants done, would be to read his mind.
"Oh, so when you say the paper is in your office, what you mean is that someone sent you a fax and I should have your secretary sort through your emails? Of course, how silly of me!"

"Ah, and when you say get the auctioneer report out of the file, obviously you don't mean that it was ever in the file...any idiot knows that means I should call the auctioneer in Massachusetts! I must be a real moron sorting through the redwelds thinking it would actually be in the file!"

One of these days, I am going to wrap my head in aluminum foil, and tell him that it helps me in my quest to read his mind. Think that will go over well?

Lavender Butt Bows

2005-01-28T17:55:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been looking through bridesmaid dresses, for a wedding I'm in this coming May. And can I tell you, I am truly appalled at the bad taste of some of the brides out there. I say this not because I think I will end up wearing an ugly dress in this wedding, but rather, because that can be the only answer for the plethora of hideous satin shit that's out there. (I picked this up in college econ-- and its the only thing i remember)-- the market produces what the market demands. If brides had good taste, they wouldn't buy the dress with the big sleeves, the butt bows and the rhinestone necklines. But these dresses exist in astounding number, so clearly someone is buying them.
I think I know why, too. Girls are catty and jealous and want to be the center of attention. Your wedding is the only chance to actually exert some control over your friends looking a lot worse than you. I bet its the especially hideous brides that choose the bad dresses. Look back at your wedding album- were the dresses bad? Then, I'm sorry, you're probably a little bit unfortunate looking.
Hey, don't hate the messenger.

2005-01-27T10:04:00.000-05:00

It's cold out man. Really freakin cold. I'm reconsidering my earlier (mid-Oct) decision to walk to work everyday. It's only a mile, I know, so I should quit my whining, but the wind off the harbor is frigid, and yes, I mean that sexually. I think certain, more sensitive parts of me are permanently wind-burned.

Oh, Friday, Feb. 11- Northstar and Lucero at the Ottobar in Baltimore. Yes, I'll be the second-oldest person in the club (my cousin is 31), and yes, I will gawk at the bizarre hairstyles and clothing and make some comment on "kids these days...." and then mourn the passing of my youth. And yes, I will secretly wish I had the kind of job where piercings, tattoos, plastic jewelry and a chip on one's shoulder made you cool and desirable...., and yes, i'll be crying on the inside. but damn, the music will be good. If you've got the time, I highly suggest going.

Last thing- whats wrong with my blog template? Suddenly my sidebar is shifted way down. I'd appreciate any technical help on this. Thanks.

Chastity Belts- 2005

2005-01-25T13:05:00.000-05:00

From www.giveusrealchoices.com:
"Times have changed, but the Pennsylvania State Legislature has not. In 1999, the Pennsylvania State Legislature attempted to address the challenge of unintended pregnancy in our stateDid they promote comprehensive sex education, insurance coverage for birth control, or emergency contraception for rape survivors? No. They created "Chastity Awareness Week."
If our lawmakers want to make chastity our only option, shouldn't they give us the right accessories?
Order your chastity belt from the Pennsylvania State Legislature TODAY!"

This site has a form you can fill out, requesting a chastity belt from the Pa state legislature.

You can see what your state laws on abortion are at: http://www.prochoiceamerica.org/yourstate/whodecides/states/pennsylvania/index.cfm

Impressively, in New York, Governor Pataki, and Lieut. Gov. Donohue are both pro-choice, and this is one of the very few states in which the state Republic Party is not affirmatively pro-life.

And shockingly, in Wisconsin----- abortions are not only illegal, they are criminal! Now there's a law review topic if i ever saw one. WI has not repealed its pre-Roe ban on abortions. Wis. Stat. Ann. § 940.04 (Enacted 1956; Last Amended 2001). Dude, thats f**ked up.

You MUST See This!

2005-01-21T17:38:00.001-05:00

You have to watch this with the sound on. I was crying, literally.
A dancing, lip-syncing Fat Dutch Kid. Doesn't get much funnier than this. (How much would you pay to have this guy at your next party?!)

http://www.kill-zone.net/fat-dutch-kid.swf (I hear this link may not work, so try this one): http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/lyle_24/myhero.html

Courtesy of josh.

The Shame...the shame.

2005-01-18T14:25:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've seen this by now, it's been all over the news. But in case you haven't--here's what our good ol' democracy was cooking up about a decade ago:

January 14, 2005
Pentagon Confirms Report of Planned Gay Conversion Chemical Weapon
WASHINGTON, DC – A spokesperson for the Department of Defense has confirmed a report that Air Force officials proposed developing a gay conversion chemical weapon in 1994. The proposal, part of a plan from Wright Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio, was to develop “chemicals that effect (sic) human behavior so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely effected (sic). One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior.”

Fame by association-

2005-01-13T09:53:00.000-05:00

A Haiku (in badger colors):

Nate got published- fuckin A!
Topic of his fame:
Evidence? Use DNA!

2004 Wis. L. Rev. 1245.

Oh, also... it's 62 and foggy today. It's January. Where's the snow? This is yet another sign that the world is falling apart. Well, that and the Brad/ Jen split. Apocalyptic, I tell you.

And from the silence came a roar.

2005-01-12T14:28:00.000-05:00

It has been seven weeks since I last posted. This is not because i'm lazy or lost interest in my blog. It's simply a matter of joining the work force. I've been busy with a capital "F"-me. I was sworn in to the Maryland Court of Appeals (thats the Md Sup Ct for you out of staters) on 12/14/04. Some of you have been commenting that "oh, such and such blog is so much funnier than yours..." or "well so and so has time to update." To all of you, and to all the witty bloggers out there I say this:
1. Compared to working, law school was a frickin walk in the park. Seriously. I didn't realize until now how much free time I had in school. I'm considering taking the MCATs to see if I cant spend the rest of my 20s and 30s in med school.

There's a reason there are a gazillion hilarious blogs by law students, and not quite so many by practicing lawyers. Whether that reason is a lack of time, fear that partners will read what you write, or just that practicing law kills your sense of humor, is up for debate.

So now you might want to know what huge event brought me back from oblivion to start writing again. A lot has happened in the past 2 months, and yet, the one thing that I felt I could not remain silent on is this:
99.1 WHFS, the best alternative-rock station in the DC Baltimore area..... has changed formats, and is not "El Zol" - a salsa station. WHAT?! How could they do this? No offense to salsa fans, but c'mon- that was a great station. I want to know which suits thought that DC101 was a better station than 99.1? And here in baltimore, that only leaves us with 98 Rock, which everyone knows is awful.

I am so distressed, that I had to stop the research memo I was writing at work to type this. And that, my friend, is really really distressed.

La dee Da

2004-11-22T18:52:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I've been too busy lately to blog.
I have also been too busy to go food shopping, do laundry, get a haircut or a manicure. I would have thought all of those would have come first, and blogging later. I would have been wrong. So i'm going to hang my diplomas in my office tomorrow, and I've solicited the advice of many an attorney, attempting to figure out how to configure my furniture such that a 12.5 ' by 18' office looks, well, how bout 15 by 22? (hey, i'm not asking for miracles, just room to stretch out).
I've got all kinds of lists re: the work environment brewing in my head that I will post in the near future. However, for now, its 6:56 p.m. on a monday, I'll still in the office, and I won't get out of here til i stop this blogging nonsense and get another 40 minutes of work done.
But don't cry for me, argentina- I've got friends in NY firms who don't know the meaning of an 11 hour day, or Sunday football. Now THAT is the true tragedy.
Speaking of which, did you see my boy Kyle yesterday marching the Ravens offense down the field? Be still my heart.

Inspired

2004-11-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."-- Kurt Vonnegut

Time, I have decided, flies by way too quickly. Especially while I'm sleeping. I've been thinking how much more I could accomplish if I could just get around this sleep situation. Maybe set up a caffeine iv drip? Crystal meth, I've heard, will also get the job done, but I'm not that committed. I'm currently taking suggestions, and am in the process of drafting a proposed act that will add 6 hours to the day- I know, I know, that would mean that sunrise and sunset varied each day, but I'm thinking that might be a good thing- you know, something to shake us up, keep us on our toes. You can submit comments to the federal register once I figure out which agency is best situated to handle my idea. In the meantime, I'm making up those extra hours on Sundays, in the office...yeehaw. I expect a full expended-hour refund once this act gets through.

La dee da

2004-11-09T19:22:00.000-05:00

"Vampires aren't real...just like elves, gremlins and eskimos."
oh, and john ashcroft resigned.

lastly- today I learned another key lesson about the workplace: if you start talking to someone while they're in the bathroom stall, you put them in an awkward situationbecause chances are they can't hear what you're saying cause of the echo from the urination (sorry, its gross but true). You've now put them in the predicament of having to decide whether they are going to a) pretend to be able to hear you, b) tell you they cant hear you, or c) interrupt the urine flow so you can talk to them. It's a cruel, cruel thing to do to a coworker. Don't do it. (I was the talkee, not the talker, fyi).

It's Almost too much--

2004-11-08T16:58:00.000-05:00

Yessssssss! I passed the bar!!! I do NOT have to take the Maryland Bar ever again!!! (please excuse the flagrant overuse of exclamation points). Unfortunately, as excited as I was about passing, I apparently was not excited enough to overcome still being sick, and so last friday while all my friends were out drinking, I, embarrassingly, was passed out asleep on my bed. I did, however, wake up to some ri-di-cu-lous drunk messages from on my cell phone from numerous brand-spanking-new attorneys, listing all the possible, forgivable excuses for which I was not out that night (none of which I can repeat here..but I can tell you that hopped up on sudafed and asleep was not one of them).
In addition- Northwestern beat Penn State, and the Ravens beat the Browns.
What a weekend. I ask you, does it get any better than that?

Must.....sleep....

2004-11-04T23:17:00.000-05:00

My body is torn between wanting sleep to get over this bug i have, and wanting to keep me up all night panicking about tomorrow. 5 p.m. Friday. Moment of truth. Results of the Maryland Bar exam. So i'm exhausted and jittery- quite the combination. I received an email today saying this year had the lowest passing rate ever in MD. Rumors, speculations, I tell myself. But even so....

Professor Conviser- If you pull through for me now, I'll never badmouth BarBri again.

Also, if you could all do me a favor and stay off the Md. Judiciary Webpage from 4:59-5:03 p.m. on Friday so it doesn't get clogged with traffic, I'd be much obliged. Grazie molto.

Post-Mortem

2004-11-03T21:01:00.000-05:00

I went home sick from work today around noon, and slept from 12:30 to 7 p.m. I'm not sure if it's the flu, a reaction to the election, or a result of the stress i'm feeling re: Nov. 5th Bar results. Maybe a combination? At any rate, I feel like someone hit me with a truck and then dragged me through a nyc gutter, so after this blog, i'm headed back to bed.
Thoughts on the Election
Yesterday, around 8 p.m. my mother called me to see if I had voted, and to ask for whom I had cast my vote. I told her I didn't really feel like talking about it, to which she replied something along the lines of, "You voted for Kerry?" "Yes," I replied, and I guess I'm among the very small number of registered Republicans who did so yesterday. I'm not sure if she was disappointed, or surprised by my decision, but quicker than i could say 'nucular,' she informed me that she and her friends had all voted for Bush.
This just confirms for me what I've feared for quite some time; There are intelligent, educated, urban people out there who dont see that Bush is sending our country to hell in a handbasket. I find the whole thing shocking. I can understand why church-going, farm land middle america supports Bush....but the fact is, most of the population is located in urban areas, and Bush didn't just win by a vote or two.
Here's my theory on it: the Democrats couldn't offer an appealing candidate. There were plenty of people, I imagine, who would have voted against Bush, if they had just had the option of voting for someone more palatable. All I can say is, I hope certain members of the Supreme Court (you know who you are) keep taking their vitamins and eating their Wheaties.
Thoughts on the Bar
I am currently 43 hours and 40 minutes away from the posting of the Maryland Bar Results. I thought about putting a countdown clock on here, but that seemed a little weird, plus that's a lot of work for only 43 hours of countdown. So....yeah.... that's all I've got to say about that.

Election Eve....scarier than Halloween

2004-11-01T17:36:00.000-05:00

My Slogan for Presidential Election 2004: No matter who wins, we're still screwed.
Anyhow, with such abyssmal options, all you can do is laugh. So here's some bipartisan humor, and a friendly reminder to vote early and often- unless you decide not to vote, in which case, it doesn't make much difference...

Top 5 Bush Jokes
1. "During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. Bush responded, 'This debate, the last debate and the next debate.'" —Bill Maher
2. "President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman
3. "Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than Americans say our country is on the right track. Boy, there's a campaign slogan for you — 'America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!'" —Bill Maher
4. "John Kerry said if President Bush is re-elected, he might bring back a military draft. When asked, Bush said, 'Trust me, even if I bring back the draft, there are plenty of ways to get around it.'" —Conan O'Brien
5. "Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes when you are not president." —Craig Kilborn

Top 5 Kerry Jokes
1. "You see the pictures in the paper of John Kerry windsurfing? ... Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." —Jay Leno
2. "Pundits are saying that Kerry's message is garbled. You know you're doing badly when you're running against Bush, and you're the one who is garbled." —David Letterman
3. "We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed, opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno
4. "They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno
5. "Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?" —Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, "Late Show With David Letterman"

Inner Children and Bankruptcy set to Music

2004-10-28T20:12:00.000-04:00

I recently asked a 1L friend of mine what had happened to his inner child.... He responded, "I killed it when I started law school."
So this led me to wonder: If law school kills your inner child, does it ever get revived? While it's true that lawyers are a serious bunch for the most part, my ability to keep my job depends heavily on them having a least some sense of humor. For example: about two weeks ago, an attorney asked me to draft a motion, and said, "i think theres also some insurance issues implicated, but i don't really understand them fully, so just throw that in there." I, having a flighty moment, went and wrote in the motion something along the lines of: "the failure of ______ to ______ also implicates some insurance issues, which ______ does not fully understand."

Yeah, i know- I'm an idiot. I really thought the attorney meant for me to write that. Thank god they had a sense of humor about that. I'm not so sure something like that would have been excused at a New York sweat-shop firm.
Unfortunately, I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth (no, not literally). I call it the brain-mouth filter problem. Anyhow, I'm working on it, and hopefully will get it under control before I seriously jeopardize my career.

In other news: THE BAR RESULTS ARE OUT IN 9 DAYS........ November 5th, 5 p.m. is the moment of truth. To be honest, the bar seems like so long ago, that I honestly can't remember how I felt afterwards, and I have no idea what to expect on the 5th. But to put it in perspective, I said to my mother last week, "this is scary. This is the biggest test i've ever taken." And my mother said, "you're whole life is big tests. Driving tests, LSATs, vision tests, pregnancy tests, cholesterol tests..." I don't know if that was meant to put the bar into perspective, or remind me to go to the doctor. Anyhow- nothing I can do about the bar now, cept wait, and try not to worry about it.

Oh, today was the big 25th Anniversary of the Md Bankruptcy Court event--- the Bankruptcy Act was superceded by the Bankruptcy Code in 1979. In commemoration, an attorney wrote a song to the tune of "American Pie" that went "Bye bye Bankruptcy Act, it took Congress 80 years for you to retract...those good ol boys up to Congress strode, and enacted the Bankruptcy Code..." They made us sing along It goes on, but I'll stop there. People were laughing hysterically. While I admit it was sort of amusing, I worry if that's where my sense of humor is headed....hmm.

Flat-chested tan southern girls...

2004-10-26T20:41:00.000-04:00

oh, how I dislike you.

Sunday night

2004-10-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

Ravens beat the bills today 20-6.
yeehaw.
mr. the wrestler is making good progress on his crim law outline. and I use the term "his outline" loosely. But hey, law isn't about reinventing the wheel, right?
my feet are cold.
my bathroom walls still look terrible. I could never make it as a house painter.
i recently discovered itunes, and have spent an ungodly amount of money downloading songs that I could really do without. Of course, the one song i really want- the Mad World cover by Gary Jules; yeah, not on itunes.
it's almost november, which means it's almost time for the Maryland Board of Law Examiners to release the bar results.
which means it's almost time for my nervous breakdown....

p.s.- someone recently asked me what I would do if i failed the bar. I've given this lots of thought. I will cry. I will cry good and hard and then I will get very drunk and when i wake up in the gutter I will tell myself it was all a bad dream. then, i'll spit the gravel out of mouth, look for my shoes and walk home.

this past weekend

2004-10-21T19:42:00.000-04:00

I've been so caught up in work and moving and learning how to use a dvd player that I almost forgot to blog about last weekend. And what an eventful weekend it was. In no particular order, here's what went down:
1. Baltimore marathon; 3:19 woooo! (not me, josh)
2. my toothbrush came home
3. the cable guy stood me up
4. it rained
5. it rained a lot
6. the paint job in my bathroom was repeatedly mocked
7. i got the piano player at howl at the moon to play george strait
8. i also suffered through the same piano player repeatedly singing the notre dame fight song for a drunk guy whose pants zipper was missing. I ask you--- how is it that in two piano bars 800 miles apart, I still have to hear the same damn fight songs? (see post about chicago in september). Even the michigan song made a strong showing. I asked him to play northwestern, and he laughed as if i had said "hey, could we get a round of Essex Community College going?"
9. at said piano bar i watched an engaged woman freak a marine on stage, almost kiss him, and then show him her ring and walk away. we later found out it was her engagement party. girls like that give women a bad name.
10. I watched Love Actually and I cried. British men are so much more sensitive... or maybe they're just scripted that way. Regardless, I now think that my ideal man is a combination of John Cusack and Hugh Grant. If you know anyone fitting that description, send them my way.

Much appreciated.

oh, and #11- a crippled, moody ex-athlete stopped by. We had bad buffalo wings, and argued over whether laptops should have disk drives. so that happened. jealous, aren't you?

How do you like dem apples?

2004-10-21T18:35:00.000-04:00

I don't really like baseball much. But you know what i like even less? The Yankees. I dislike the attitude; I dislike that there's no salary cap; I dislike the traffic and the obnoxious people who overtake my bars when the yankees play at camden yards; I dislike a team whose fans lean over walls to catch balls when the player clearly had it (what was that kid's name? Jeffrey something?)
Therefore, even though I would ideally bypass the baseball season entirely, I was pretty excited about Game 7--- and on behalf of a friend who was too afraid to wear this t-shirt to school today,
"NYY- you can take your 26 championships and shove em!"

Do not, however, expect any more posts about baseball or the world series. We are in the middle of football season, so I have bigger fish to fry....

This just in

2004-10-20T18:38:00.000-04:00

I thought I was done with the headlines, but I just came upon this and I can't leave it out... Martha Stewart got tattled on by a co-inmate-- guess what she was doing? just guess!!

Martha stirs up tasty prison treats : Newspaper report says the incarcerated domestic diva picked crab apples to cook up 'illegal' jelly.

P.S.- the long-lost toothbrush has finally returned home, and it looks to be in stable condition, with only a few disturbed bristles.

Headlines

2004-10-20T18:20:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong- I love The Onion. However, when the real news is this ridiculous, who needs farce?

Nickelodeon kids poll has had 100% accuracy predicting the presidential elections since 1988, and this year, 57% of kiddies favor Kerry.

Tommy Lee films a reality show in which he goes to school at University of Nebraska

Arnold Schwartzenegger went 2 weeks without sex because of a speech backing Bush

Cave Looter Pleads Guilty to Corpse Abuse

Singer Wynonna Judd is being bombarded with e-mails from conservative Christians, urging her to cancel her engagement to perform aboard a cruise ship devoted to lesbian vacationers.

Is it me, or is our society truly going to hell in a handbasket? If the yankees win tonight, i think it's confirmed.

And this means...what?

2004-10-18T17:43:00.000-04:00

Scene: in the elevator
Characters: me, a aged-partner, an extra with big hair, smacking her gum.
Time: approximately 10:45 a.m.

me: (enters the elevator) hello.
partner: So, is life treating you with the dignity and respect you deserve?
me: umm, I suppose so.
partner: then you're in big trouble.

(elevator doors open, partner exits)
me: (look of confusion....huh?)

Redskins & the New Apartment

2004-10-12T18:10:00.000-04:00

Clearly I have been very busy, or I certainly would have commented earlier about the Ravens beating the Redskins 17-10 Sunday night. I've obviously slacked off in my cheering for the Ravens/ mocking the Redskins tirade, and for that, I am ashamed. But moving on...

Last night I taped and primed the bathroom walls. I may never again attempt to paint a bathroom on my own, as taping around the fixtures and tiles was a huge huge pain. I almost fell off the bathroom counter numerous times. That, and the fact that this morning there was a too-many-legged bug on my ceiling and no one around to kill it for me made me realize just how precarious the living-alone situation is. To be honest, it's the bug thing I'm more concerned about. I don't like them, but I prefer to have someone do my dirty work for me.

Anyhow, I don't have a laptop for the time being (mine is broken beyond repair), which means that I don't get to sign online, and can only use the web while I'm at work and not busy (so...about 10 min a day). Therefore, I'm requesting that people please comment on my blog so I feel special at the end of the day. Much appreciated.

Someone's got a case of the Mondays

2004-10-11T17:22:00.000-04:00

You know you're in for one hell of a day when the first thing someone says to you, at 7:50 a.m. is "I just got home from the hospital..." (of course, it's probably not nearly as bad to hear that as it is to actually be the person who was up all night in a hospital gown that doesn't cover your ass). Nevertheless, I was in a concerned/distraught mood when I got to work 25 minutes later. I sat down at my desk, printed out a case I needed, and read the first line:
"Higgins invented a beeping fishing lure, which became the basis for his business..."

Now I ask you, have you ever felt really unsettled, for whatever reason, and then something ridiculous strikes you as funny, and the fact that you're laughing makes you feel even more unsettled? Why beeping fishing lure was so entertaining this morning, I can't quite say. But within the first hour at work, I ran numerous searches on staf infection, I laughed out loud at a bankruptcy case discussing attorneys fees for dismissed involuntary bankruptcies, I spilled coffee on my shoes, and I drew on my forehead with highlighter. Nice.

Maybe I'm just slap happy and overtired? I moved into my apartment this weekend and I made the mistake of not hiring movers. Even though I had lots of help (i.e. 3 other people did most of it for me), I am still sore in every muscle. If you, or your local panhandlers need cardboard boxes, let me know- I have many, and I'm not sure where to dispose of them.

Oh, but this is an interesting sidenote, i think. Someone recently sent me a link to this story about "why bankruptcy law?" which is something that people have been asking me a lot recently. Well, the article is a lot more convincing than anything I came up with. So if you're considering the field, give it a read.

You Spin me Right Round, Baby

2004-10-09T11:07:00.000-04:00

This morning, I had email from both democrats.org and GeorgeWBush.com, both of which declared that their candidate had won a decisive victory in the debate last night. Hmm...interesting that they both won. The spin on these emails was so blatant that I have to include an excerpt from each. These are the opening paragraphs from each email:

"Two presidential debates and two clear wins. John Kerry is going to be the next president of the United States, and more people know it now than just two short hours ago."
"President Bush won a decisive victory last night. The President dominated the debate with impassioned, thoughtful and concise arguments that left Kerry looking petty and defensive as he sputtered out tired, false political rhetoric and distortions that shattered his credibility and contradicted the Senator's 20-year record of being on the wrong side of history on national security and domestic policy."
I dunno, personally, I think they're both a lot of BS.

Say what Now?

2004-10-08T23:03:00.000-04:00

The second presidential debate just ended. Honestly, I'm still a little torn as to how I'm going to vote. I'm not a big supporter of either candidate, so the question is, do I go with party lines, or try something new? Anyhow, I will leave the insightful commentary to a better qualified and better informed website, and instead leave you with a balanced look at some of the dumber comments from each candidate tonight, that made me say WTF?

Pres. Bush:
1. (on cheaper drugs i.e. viagra from mars) "My concern is, they say they're from Canada, they could be from a third world."
2. (in response to Sen. Kerry's comment that almost anyone with any property can file taxes as a sub-class s corp, or limited partnership) "I own a timber company? That's news to me............(long pause while he tries to think of something witty...) Need some wood?
3. (on Sup. Ct nominations, hush hush) "I'm not telling, I want them to vote for me."

Sen. Kerry:
1. (on tax cuts, dual meaning) "I want the money in your pocket."
2. (reasons to fund stem cell research, paraphrased) "Michael J. Fox and Christopher Reeves want us to."
3. (on avoiding the question, "what would you tell a voter about the government spending their tax dollars for abortions) "I would tell them what i'm going to tell you...."(and then he proceeded to discuss being an altar boy and 'pro-abortion legislation' but totally evaded the question.

Law on the Brain

2004-10-07T22:48:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah- it's happening... I can feel myself starting to think like a new associate. It's said that in law school you learn to think like a lawyer. If you, yourself, went to law school, then you understand what that transformation actually means. If not, you probably just think it means the point at which an idealistic law student who wants to save the world becomes a cynical, argumentative pain in the ass, which might very well be a fair description. But what i'm talking about is something far different.

In law school, I learned to look at situations "legally." Suddenly going to the duck pond became a mental exercise in whether a duck is a domestic animal; who you would sue if one bit you; whether you were contributorily negligent in trying to hand feed the duck croutons in the first place; do you actually have the last clear chance to escape the bite if it involves diving into a duck-shit-filled pond; if the duck chokes on the crouton, was i criminally negligent; and would the State have 11th amendment sovereign immunity if I tried to sue for the bite at a public pond? Thats law school-think...it just keeps going to the point of ridiculous theoretical situations.

Now, I'm starting to look at situations at think, "how many motions, proposed orders and notices do I need to write, to get that fixed? That's lawyer think- how do I fix this quickly. Nevermind what might happen, cause no one is paying me to conjecture...

Why law schools don't offer a class on motion practice I truly do not understand. It could be saving me a lot of money on advil and a lot of time with my hand on my head in absolute confusion (not to mention the dental surgery I will need from having started grinding my teeth).
But it could be worse- I could be stacey, who on her third day of work got sent from NY to DC for 2 weeks of due diligence. How's THAT for an orientation?!

Curiouser and Curiouser...

2004-10-05T22:27:00.000-04:00

How I feel today, courtesy of Lewis Carroll:

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' was his response. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the
cat, 'it doesn't matter.'"

So I was thinking that what I really ought to be doing with my blog is talking about my experiences as a new associate- something useful, instead of rambling about the minutae that's only interesting to me. So here's a few things I can tell you, based on my little bit of experience so far:

big lunches are a bad idea-- I almost fell asleep today in a confirmation hearing at the bankruptcy court. Just lucky that I was sitting in the back observing.

The learning curve is high, as well as the stress at time. keep advil in your desk. TRUST ME. Also, unless you're one of those bionic barbies with mold-formed arches, leave the heels at home. Or keep them in your desk. I got a pedicure this weekend, and the lady looking at my toes said, "oh.... so hurts!! You fall?"

And finally, this is my best piece of advice because I made the mistake of doing it: if you're writing a memo, and there's information that's unavailable for whatever reason, DO NOT put in the memo something like, "I don't have enough information to address such and such." It may be true. It may be accurate and concise, but it's not well received. One partner now calls me the "not enough info" girl. What'd you'd write in place of that---coming Week 4 (well you can't expect me to know everything, can you?)

About the Ravens Game:

I'd rather not discuss it ,thanks.

Legal Quote of the Weekend:

2004-10-03T22:42:00.000-04:00

at Liz's wedding yesterday, someone asked me how I knew her. I said, "we went to law school together," to which he replied, "oh, I didn't think law students made friends with each other." Classic.

hangin tough

2004-10-03T22:10:00.000-04:00

Right now the Killers are playing at the 9:30 club in d.c., and I'm not there. I should be, but I'm not. The show sold out and I am now drowing my sorrows in dylan & the band. (Before the Flood- the best versions of "it's all right ma (I'm only bleeding)" and "the night they drove old dixie down". ) But never fear, it hasn't been a completely sad night musically. I just saw that Jordan Knight--yes THE Jordon Knight of NKOTB is playing at the funk box in federal hill october 17th at 7 p.m. I'm organizing a trip- we'll all wear rip-away shirts to throw at the stage, and i'll dust off my "I love you donnie" poster-- we can shriek and cry like schoolgirls, and later write about it in our slam books. Someone else has to be in charge of the face glitter though, I'm going to be busy bedazzling my jean jacket.
Yeah, so i can't see the killers, and Taking Back Sunday isn't touring out this way, but when you've got Jordan Knight singing two blocks from your apt, what more can a girl want, i ask you?
That being said, I will be at the Simple Plan/ Mae/ Plain White T's show at Recher theatre on November 5th, and hopefully pedro the lion at the black cat in d.c. in November 12th, if anyone wants to join me. (leave your rip-away shirts at home though. there's a time and a place....)

Go U NU!!

2004-10-03T01:55:00.000-04:00

Upon returning home tonight from Liz's wedding, I was informed that Northwestern actually beat Ohio State in overtime, 33-27 tonight. Do you even understand how HUGE that is? OSU is #6 on the espn poll. #6!! Ryan field (dyche stadium at heart) must have been going crazy. I had totally written this one off-- i even said to an OSU grad thursday night, "well, looks like you all have an easy weekend coming up." I mean, NU lost to OSU 20-0 last year, and according to a friend of mine, hadn't beaten them since 1971! So you know what this means, right? Wisconsin, Michgan- we're coming for you next! Wildcats, rarrrrrrrrrr!
Also, fyi, I will be in chicago for homecoming weekend, October 30, when NU plays purdue. If anyone else is heading out there, let me know. As an aside; lately I think i've been frustrating a certain NU grad that I'm supposed to stay with at homecoming. And while I don't deny that I can be incredibly frustrating and difficult, I'm saying publicly (assuming that 18 hits a day makes a blog offically public), that I really hope the aforementioned NU grad doesn't get fed up with me. Cause that would suck, and would probably lead me to posting weepy, lame poetry, and no one wants that, do they? So for the greater good, NU grad, be patient with me...or I'll have to kick your ass.

Scalia on Orgies

2004-09-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

Scalia spoke at Harvard Last night... in between denouncing the 17th amendment and mocking racial profiling, he did manage to get out one interesting comment; after voicing his opposition to a European court's finding that privacy rights protected group gay sex, Scalia stated that his personal views had no bearing on his judicial decisions, and that he “ even take[s] the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged." Here's the article if you want to look at it.
So...I'm gonna say that a) he's got some confused politics; b) he just likes being controversial; or c) he's on his way to losing his marbles and really needs to retire. Which begs the question that maybe someone can answer for me: Although a Supreme Court justice has a lifetime appointment, and as often happens, stays on the bench beyond their physical ability to do so-- what would happen if a justice were mentally incompetent? Has that issue ever come up?

Catdog- it's not just a cartoon anymore

2004-09-29T21:20:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I was explaining to my mother that generally, animals cannot mate across species. I then pointed out that horses and donkeys mate, but their offspring are sterile. My mother looked at me very seriously, (you could tell she was thinking hard), she tilted her head, and in her most intellectual voice asked me, "do dogs and cats mate?"

I'm serious. I was concerned a few weeks ago, when she expressed her full-out support for President Bush, but I chalked that up to age-induced, severe conservatism. I've worried for years about her garage-induced incontinence (she suddenly has an uncontrollable- and i mean really uncontrollable- urge to pee when she gets near the house), but this new question truly makes me think that I ought to start setting aside part of my paycheck for the old age home.

Do dogs and cats mate??!!! Of course not, I told her. Her follow-up comment (as if this scientifically validated her question): "but chickens mate with roosters!"

So True.

2004-09-28T23:50:00.000-04:00

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." -Lily Tomlin

"I'm Somebody Now!!"

2004-09-26T22:02:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a little quasi-famous... a few days ago I noticed that good ol' hearsay had been visited by someone from the playboy.com domain. Upon further investigation, I saw that this person, probably some poor, underpaid intern, had been running searches for "playboy.com" on blogpulse.com, i guess to see how many blogs mentioned them recently. I bet it was someone at Playboy's editorial office in Chicago cause they visited from the Central time zone. I'm a little hurt that lil miss playboy.com intern didn't leave a comment, but hey, she was probably busy researching how to remove fryer grease and apple filling from the next centerfold's hair (see post 9/22/04 "I'm Not Even Kidding" re: Women of McDonald's issue).

So c'mon people- forward my link-- if it's good enough for Playboy, it's good enough for you!

Why I hate the Low-Carb Craze:

2004-09-26T17:40:00.000-04:00

Is it "less calories" or "fewer calories?" I say it's fewer, but everywhere I look, the advertising industry tells me it's less calories than before. I say, it's time to put our collective, consumer foot down! Tell them, "we aren't dumb!! we know a calorie is an individual unit- this mockery will not stand! IT WILL NOT STAND!" I feel better now, thanks.

23-9, the bengals go DOWN!!

2004-09-26T16:51:00.000-04:00

Yeah, i know- it was just the bungles. Nevertheless, Jamal rushed for 186 yds, the defense had some huge plays, and even without Todd Heap, the Ravens got 23 points on the board. So it was a good day for football, and as much as I hate seeing Kyle Boller fumble twice, at least he looks damn hot when he's doing it. ooh, that boy could fumble and get sacked all season and I'd still be out there watching him run around in those spandex! Plus, the Giants beat Cleveland, and i'm just hoping Miami beats Pittsburg tonight (unlikely as that is), and it will be a happy day in the AFC North. If Dallas beats the redskins tomorrow night, that would just be icing on my cake.

In non-football news, I'm moving to my apt in 2 weeks, and I haven't picked out a paint color for the living room yet. I need to match it to a moss-green and white striped sofa set. I was thinking ruby red might look nice as an accent wall and leave the others white? Beige is too....beige. I dunno. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know, and if yours is the winning suggestion, you get to help me paint, and maybe even crash on my sofa from time to time. How's that for incentive?

One Week Down...

2004-09-24T20:07:00.000-04:00

soooooo tired. but i found out that i'm going to get to take a deposition in a few weeks, so that's keeping me going. that, and knowing that if i don't work i dont get paid, and if i don't get paid, I can't move out of my mom's house. (2 months feels much longer than you'd imagine). disclaimer for anyone who might read that and get offended (my mother): it's not that i don't LOVE living at home, it's just that i want to spare you the mess i make. see? i'm being considerate! Although, lemme tell ya- free food is way underrated.

If this was a disappointing post, cut me some slack- wittiness takes energy, and right now I don't have much. I'll try to make up for it later.

On the bankruptcy front:

2004-09-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

Interstate bakeries Corp., the company that provides us with all Hostess products (twinkies, ho hos, ding dongs, fruit pies, suzy q's) and wonder bread, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy this morning in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Western District of Missouri. Fret not, due to my 3 whole days of experience, I can tell you that if the Ch. 11 goes as planned, we will be enjoying twinkies in perpetuity, because the company isnt liquidating, just reorganizing. And with assets listed at 1.626 billion, boy wouldn't i like a piece of that fruit pie!! Anyhow, I found this interesting cause i'm now supposed to be reading bankruptcy news and finding it interesting, but also cause the company blamed the low-carb craze for its decline in sales.

Finally, i'm supposed to say hello to mr.-the-wrestler. I dont think he likes being called that, but hey, am I here to amuse you? i don't think so.

day 3

2004-09-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

people do this everyday?! It is definitely taking me a little bit of time to adjust to my new work routine. Patti pre-work: went to bed at 3.a.m., woke up at 11 a.m. (and that was an early day), and then stayed in bed til noon.
Patti now: tired by 10:30 p.m. Asleep by 11:30, up at 6:50 a.m., leaving the house at 7:40 a.m. Drinking coffee asap thereafter. Don't get me wrong- the work is really interesting, and being busy makes the day go quickly. And only three days in, I've already learned a few important lessons about the "real world" (and if you think i mean mtv, go smack yourself on my behalf). So here's the beginning of what is probably a continuing list of things i'm learning:

1. The system is going to beat me into becoming a morning person.
2. When the clock says 5, it's a good time to start a new project.
3. If the free coffee in your office is flavored (today: choc hazelnut), don't tell other departments about it.
4. Attractive, expensive slingback heels will cut the hell out of your toes, and aren't worth the pain.
5. When you're working 11 hour days, less is more on the makeup front. It's just going to run off anyway when you start to sweat cause you can't make the printer work.
6. Suddenly, when trying to bill your hours, long leisurely lunches aren't so appealing.
7. ALWAYS get in good with the IT people. Computer problems attack at random.
8. If you have a photo id, and you don't like the picture, make them retake it. Trust me on this one. If you keep quiet like me, you'll get stuck with an id in which you are perpetually half smirking, half trying not to blink. And it ain't pretty.
9. I think better when not wearing shoes. (see supra # 4).
10. Silence leads me to hum.
10(a). The secretaries don't like humming.

I'm Not Even Kidding-
Playboy magazine is currently accepting applications to appear in their "Girls of Mcdonald's" Issue. The playboy website says: "The world may be on the Atkins diet, but we still love our buns. Playboy.com is looking for the world's sexiest McDonald's employees to step out from behind the counter, drop their saltshakers and show us their golden arches." Now, I don't know what McDonald's workers look like around the world; all i know is that I've been to several McDonald's stateside, and none of the people working there should be permitted to pose nude for art students, let alone get paid to do it for a magazine. My thoughts are: if you're attractive enough to appear in Playboy, but the kind of person who wouldn't kill themselves after 1 day at a McDonald's, chances are you're probably working at the local strip club under the highway, not asking "you want fries with that?"

first day

2004-09-20T22:23:00.000-04:00

Today was my first day of work. Mostly orientation-type stuff. However, I got a few assignments around 4:30, so when my friend marisa called at 6:30 to see if i could go to Ropewalk for burger night, i told her I had at least another hour of work I should get done. Then she laugh. I mean really laughed hard. And as I sat there staring at my brand new annoted Bankruptcy Code, i thought, "at least i'll get to use multicolored tabs."
Then I drank some sanka, rearranged my highlighters and contemplated the beginning of the rest of my life.

untitled

2004-09-19T21:27:00.000-04:00

Well, the Ravens beat the Steelers 30-13 today, and other than the 95 yds the Ravens gave up on penalties, it was a great game. Normally, i'd be much more elated, and talking all kinds of smack about Pittsburg and Tommy Maddox; however, when I got home from the game tonight, I received some sad news via email that quickly took me out of the celebrating mood. At any rate, I read this quote a few days ago that seems kind of applicable today, and though i'm usually the cynic about inspiration, it touched me, so I thought i'd post it:

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ---Albert Einstein

prediction

2004-09-18T23:52:00.000-04:00

Sunday at 1 p.m.: Ravens over the Steelers by 3. Hope I don't embarrass myself, both with the prediction as well as at the game. Let it be known that i really really have a thing against the Steelers, and not just cause their logo reminds me of the sign at the fairlanes bowling alley. So i guess this is a disclaimer that if the Ravens lose tomorrow, I am not responsible for anything I say to people in black and yellow jerseys that I see on the street.

Coming tomorrow, when i'm less tired: "Why I hate politics, especially in election years." Shaking with excitement, aren't you?

Damn you, interstate travel!!

2004-09-17T17:17:00.000-04:00

While I fully appreciate that interstate travel is a fundamental right guaranteed by the due process clause, and one which the states cannot impinge upon without a compelling governmental purpose (see strict scrutiny)---- lately i've noticed my life would be much simpler if that weren't the case. all the traveling this year is just serving to complicate my life. seriously, i was reading back into my blog archives, and realize that since this past february, all the crazy shit that's happened has taken place in states other than md. a quick list of where i';ve been in '04: nashville, dc, madison, atlantic city, somewhere in new hampshire, chicago, philly, nyc. am i forgetting anything? thank god i never made it to copenhagen as originally planned- i can only imagine what would have resulted.

What is this world coming to?!
i read this story on the train about a computer engineer and his wife who had their first son this past february. The dad's name was Jon Blake Cusack, and he thought that naming his son Jon Cusack, jr was "too 20th century" so instead...get this...they named the kid Jon Blake Cusack 2.0. I swear. If you don't believe me, I verified it on cnn. Look for yourself. What really sends it home for me is that the couple is from Holland, Michigan, a town that has windmills, sells wooden shoes, and has an annual tulip festival. So basically, a town that thinks it's in the 19th century in Europe.

big apple smackdown

2004-09-16T21:11:00.000-04:00

As i sat on the train to ny last sunday to attend the nyu bankruptcy workshop, all i could think about was the horrible Ravens loss to the Browns just minutes earlier, and how beating the Yankees didn't really make up for it at all. When I finally got to ny, i decided i'd do some people watching, and walk from penn station to soho, where i was staying. not such a bad idea, unless like me you're dragging your suitcase behind you. anyhow, i decided that i am not hip enough for soho-- that place was crazy swanky, and i think everyone could tell i was from out of town. in a neighborhood of prada, ralph lauren, louis vuitton and diesel, my pink ann taylor sweater set stuck out like a redneck at an anime convention. but don't get me wrong- just cause i had some disgusting blisters from walking in heels and was dressed like a schoolteacher doesn't mean it wasn't an enjoyable or educational couple days. Once the workshop was over, stacey met me in manhattan and proceeded quickly to step in dogshit, and pick it out her shoe with a coffee stirrer while everyone stared at her. highlight of the morning i think. So now i'm back in baltimore-- a little more aware of the slower pace, and a little more appreciative that people look you in the eye here when they pass you on the streets.

My Sincere Apologies...
to anyone I may have drunk dialed at 4 a.m. last night. As an excuse I can offer only this: NYC bar time threw me off. Generally, I'm used to being home by 2 a.m. at the latest. So drinking til 3:30 followed by a huge cup of coffee at 3:45 a.m. led me to believe it was a good idea to get out the cell phone. I can only hope that i didn't say anything stupid, and that you won't repay the favor any time soon.

Anyone seen my toothbrush?

2004-09-12T11:31:00.000-04:00

Chicago, part deux, is a wrap - i'm back in baltimore now, unpacking and then repacking so I can hop a train for new york this afternoon. I did, however, leave my toothbrush in chicago unfortunately. It's green, well-bristled, and probably quite alone and afraid as this was its first big trip. If you or anyone you know spots my toothbrush, comfort it briefly then throw it away. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use my toothbrush--- you have no idea where my mouth has been. In fact, it's just occurred to me that maybe my toothbrush got fed up and ran away....hmm, troubling....
As far as the weekend goes, I'm not sure I yet have the proper perspective to say anything truly deep about it, so take this for what it's worth: this weekend I learned some interesting things about myself- I learned that I truly hate the michigan fight song, especially when played continuously as a dualing piano bar. I learned that I can eat blueberry pancakes without throwing up. Which is nice. I learned that one should never throw a drink out at a bar in front of the person that bought it for you. This is apparently considered a sign of psychosis, and may never be lived down. I learned that the streets of Chicago are not as clean as everyone says there are, but mercifully free of glass shards. On a related note, I learned that wearing 4 inch heels while drinking on a boat is difficult and painful, and leads to walking barefoot. Finally, I learned that although I find my stories funny and engaging, men age 26-30 find far more interesting girls in short skirts walking down the street. You can actually see the moment the brains stop working.
So that's that. Off to ny now. If you're interesting, this is the link to the bankruptcy conference i'm attending at nyu. giddy up.

A tribute...

2004-09-08T22:12:00.000-04:00

...to the city where I turned 21, escaped my parents, puked in a White hen, suffered a concussion, learned to wear eyeliner, saw the sunrise over the river every morning when i should have been in bed, fell in love with john cusack, lost my bmore accent, learned to live with roommates, received my first F, first went skinny dipping, danced for 36 hours, wore a purple toga in public, got frostbite wearing a purple toga in public...
...to the city I'm heading to tomorrow for the second time in a month. And it should be interesting, as i plan to master the sport of wrestling in a mere 48 hrs, all the while explaining the unities of tenancy, the difference between conversion and trespass to chattels, and taking pictures to amuse stacey and amy.

"I miss everything about Chicago, except January and February."- - - Gary Cole

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."- - - Richard Jeni

"Chicago - a pompous Milwaukee."- - - Leonard Louis Levinson

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."- - - Dan Quayle

"Look at our Lords disciples. One denied Him; one doubted Him; one betrayed Him. If our Lord couldn't have perfection, how are you going to have it in city government? "--- Richard J. Daley

last week til work

2004-09-07T13:36:00.000-04:00

This is my final week off before I start my job, and so far it's off to a bang- i woke up at noon, read an article about people selling Britney Spear's chewed-up gum on eBay for a few thousand dollars, and then ate some stale raisin bran. ah, this is the life. I'm thinking about going to get the mail, but that seems like an awful lot of work.... So here's something interesting- Google is 6 years old this week. (i know this cause they change the logo on their webpage to wittily reflect holidays and current events and today, the o's are balloons and the second g is a 6). So that led me to thinking, how old are we all going to sound when we tell our kids one day, "When i was your age, we didn't have the internet. Or cell phones!!! We had to fax papers, use stamps, and leave messages on answering machines...." And they'll say, "but mommy, how did you get funny forwards from your friends?" And I'll say, "we didn't. back in the day, we called them chain letters." And the kids'll go, "oooh, i read about those. You're OLD." And then i'll go sit in my room, cry, order some botox online and drink an e-martini.

the long awaited....band names list

2004-09-04T19:15:00.000-04:00

For a couple of years now, Stacey and I have been compiling our list of good band names. Some were inspired by events. Most though, were phrases either we spoke or heard at some point, and decided they'd make damn good names for bands. Originally, we also labeled each name with the type of music that would best fit with it. Unfortunately, I can't remember those. So, hey, if you're a band looking for a name, feel free to borrow one of ours. Just thank us on the cd liner.

Bathtime Animal Puppets
Desperate on Wheels
Filling the Hole with Raisinbran
Week-old Latte
I'm your Pancake Whore
Knawing the Kitty
Oona and the Albatross
Golden Tee Antichrist

Take that and rewind it back

2004-09-02T16:48:00.000-04:00

For the past six months, three short words have swept the country, and possibly set a new catch-phrase record. It was hilarious in March, and funny in May... but it's now September and someone needs to put their foot down. If you, or someone you know is one of those guys that goes to bars with his buddies and shouts over and over again as loudly as possible:

WHHHHAAAAAAT?
YYEEEEAAAAAH!!
OHHHHHH KAAAAAAAY!! ... well, dude-- it is time to stop. seriously. no more lil jon. i BEG you. I cannot tell you how many times i've had to listen to drunk men yell that out, laugh hysterically, then do it again. Hey, I'm a tolerant person. I love Chapelle show as much as the next person. But everything gets old after awhile.**

If you don't know what i'm talking about, turn to the closest male between 18 and 30, and just say WHHHAAAT? and you'll see what i'm talking about. If there are no such men around you, then i've included a link so you can see it firsthand. But please, for the love of god, do NOT start saying it. That would be just my luck to usher in a second wave.
Lil Jon in the airport

**disclaimer- "I'm Rick James, bitch!" and "Charlie Murphy" are still socially acceptable. I give them both another 4-5 months of funniness.

Ready for Prime Time?

2004-09-02T13:20:00.000-04:00

This has been truly a great week in sports for me. First, the Yankees lose by their widest margin ever, 22-0 to the Indians. Then Deion Sanders comes out of retirement to play a little d for my beloved Ravens. Yeah, it's official- he passed the physical, he's at training camp now just down the road from my mom's house in Owings Mills. And do you know why he came back?....to win another Super Bowl Ring. Yeah, that's right. My boys are gonna take it to the house again. And Shannon "solid gold," do you know what Deion had to say about why he left the Redskins 3 years ago?
"You've got to understand -- I walked away from how many millions of dollars in Washington? I didn't think that team could get it done."

So how do you like dem apples?

Against my better judgment

2004-08-31T14:24:00.000-04:00

I almost forgot--- It seems that certain law schools, which shall remain unnamed, are not providing their first years with proper guidance and peer advisors. So I've been dusting off all my first year outlines and trying to remember the facts of International Shoe and World-Wide Volkwagen. All i wanna know is, does this count towards my annual pro bono hours?
"It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarattes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Hit it."

back to life...back to reality

2004-08-31T13:17:00.000-04:00

I got back from the beach late Sunday night, and those three days of lying out tanning have ushered in the reality that my last, official summer break is almost over. When i left for the beach, fall seemed really far away but somehow, now that i'm back, the days are going quickly and i don't have all that much time until i start my job.
Realizing that I'm not a student anymore, and most likely never will be again, is pretty scary stuff. I think i'm having a 1/3 life crisis cause i've been looking through pictures from high school, college and law school, and thinking "ah, to be young again!" I know, i'm still really young, but the point is i will never again be a high school senior at senior week, or a college student at tailgates again, or a first yr law student ( and thank god for that one!) . and holy shit, that's depressing-- especially when everyone around me keeps saying things like "academia is bliss," or "you'll gain weight once you start working," or "enjoy your last few days of total relaxation EVER." i mean, c'mon, gimme a break. is my life really over just cause i'm out of school and working? (all signs point to YES).
but, ever the optimist, i have come up with a few reasons that it's not so horrible to be entering the work force:
1- I will be able to go to happy hrs by choice, instead of by monetary necessity.
2- I now have a permanent, and valid reason to buy more clothing.
3- I am DONE with exams (assuming i pass the bar, and further assuming i only practice in MD for the rest of my life... but at this point, assuming sounds pretty good to me)
4- i can wear all my suits without seeming overdressed or pretentious.
5- free coffee.
6- I will actually start producing some sort of product (tangible or not) as compared with school where all i did was sit there and absorb info.
7- getting my car an oil change will be dictated by how much time i have, as opposed to whether i can afford the $29.95 (if anyone needs any oil change coupons let me know- i've been hoarding them for 5 years).
AND FINALLY-
8- if i tell someone "oh, i've just had the most exhausting week," they will no longer be able to look at me with disgust and say, "ha! you're still a student. You haven't experienced exhaustion yet!" wait.... i did say these were all benefits of working, right? hmm...

To the Beach!

2004-08-27T14:09:00.000-04:00

I'm headin down d'ocean, hon! (that's balmerese, for all you people not fortunate enough to live here). Ok, so Ocean City, MD doesn't actually look like this (i think this is figi), but a girl can dream, right? But the real question is: how much beach sitting will it take to tan my pale ass? the world may never know....

2004-08-25T22:04:00.000-04:00

Rehersal dinner- jeff & alyson's wedding. I FINALLY got a picture up from the wedding.

The cuddle party spreads like fire!!

2004-08-25T00:44:00.000-04:00

Some of you might recall a little bit ago I included a link to a cnn story about "cuddle parties." Well, the trend is catching, cause when i opened up my Newsweek (where i get all my important small-talk fodder), there was a story on the cuddle parties. I'm still undecided on the ickiness factor of said parties, which currently are only available in nyc (BIG shock there), but i do find it interesting that the parties cost $300 for 3 hrs. There are few things that go for that price, at an hourly rate, --the cost of a summer associate's legal research aside-- that I wouldn't be ashamed to tell my mother about. That being said, I'm almost disappointed that I missed the D.C. cuddle party field trip that those crazy cuddlers took down from nyc a few weeks ago.

Anyhow, in true journalistic spirit, I've decided to copy the 16 Rules of cuddle parties, listed on the official website, Cuddle party.com (and please, for your own entertainment, go look at the site's picture of the month. you really have to see this). Also noted on the site- they will soon be offering training for "cuddle party lifeguards." hmm...

So here they are, The official Cuddle Party Rules:

1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.
2. No SEX. (Yep, you read that right.)
3. Ask for permission to kiss or nuzzle anyone. Make sure you can handle getting a no before you invite or request anyone to cuddle or kiss.
4. If you're a yes, say yes. If you're a no, say no.
5. If you're a maybe, say NO.
6. You are encouraged to change your mind from a yes to a no, no to a yes anytime you want.
7. NO DRY HUMPING!
8. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
9. If you're in a relationship, communicate and set your boundaries and agreements BEFORE you go to the Cuddle Party. Don't re-negotiate
those agreements/boundaries during the Cuddle Party.
10. Get your Cuddle Life Guard On Duty or Cuddle Caddy if there's a concern, problem, or question or should you feel unsafe or need
assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party.
11. Crying and giggling are both welcomed and encouraged.
12. Outside of your personal relationships, it's nobody's business who you cuddle, so please be respectful of other people's privacy when
sharing with the outside world about Cuddle Parties.
13. Arrive on time.
14. Be hygienically savvy.
15. Clean up after yourself.
16. Always say thank you and practice good Cuddle Manners.

Ok, originally, i followed each of those with what i thought was a witty remark. but in reading over them, i decided that the absurdity of the rules speak for themselves. Worthy of special note though---- #7, # 11 and # 14. Hygenically savvy made me actually laugh out loud. I will be on the lookout for more cuddle party news; really, i think i'm on the cutting edge of the next big/creepy thing.

in the spirit of college towns and drinking

2004-08-24T01:03:00.000-04:00

ah chi-town

2004-08-23T19:20:00.000-04:00

so- stacey and I got back from chicago around 12:30 a.m. last night, and proceeded to get on the wrong shuttle...just the culmination of a weekend that made us smack our heads and go "wtf?!" It all started when we almost missed our flight getting there, and then proceeded to wander wicker park dragging our suitcases behind us for several hours, because stacey had failed to inform david geary (aka hotel geary, aka chez geary, aka the gearmeister) what time were were getting to chicago.
but despite the initial rough hours, things picked up quickly. no pictures were taken this weekend, and looking back, it was probably a great idea that we left the cameras at home. So here's what the weekend amounted to, in list form, and in no particular order:
1. best sushi i've EVER had, at mirai, thanks to fera, and her fiance, andrew
2. numerous hours on the sofa watching the olympics while david geary gave running commentary. of particular note- oana and the albitross (women's gymnatics) and water polo
3. formed a strong emotional bond with a certain orange sleeping bag
4. very little sleep, very much alcohol, including numerous ill-advised car bomb races against scottish rugby players, egged on by stacey challenging their drinking prowess.
5. a late-night, martini-induced hunt across bucktown for saltines.... all i want are some damn saltines!! (wound up with the icing top from hostess cupcakes instead)
6. thought that stacey said she had the runs.... embarrassed her when i told the room stacey needed to go to the bathroom cause she had the runs. what she actually had were some runts.
7. decided that the hotel geary needed a feminine touch so we sprayed lavendar perfume under the sink and turned the bathroom into an english garden.
8. was informed, loudly in a bar, that european men commonly dont get the ol' snip-snip. an offer to show us followed. we declined.
9. fera was nice enough to drive us to the airport for our flight out. she got us to o'hare in plenty of time.... we were supposed to fly out of midway. no one noticed the mistake til we got there.
10. cashier at the midway bookstore gives us free books. we still aren't sure why. then accosted by a group of drunk men standing in a bakery- we just wanted a cookie.

And of equal importance, things i didn't do while in chicago:
1. didn't puke.
2. didn't make it to northwestern.
3. didn't make it to wrigleyville.
4. didn't actually make it out of wicker park.
5. didn't see our college friend, mr. the wrestler.
6. didn't talk katie into taking a shot on her birthday.
7. didn't find saltines.
8. didn't pass out on the front lawn of chez geary.
9. didn't exhibit any shopping self-control.
10. didn't make any more drunk dials than were absolutely appropriate and necessary.

Not the best day i've had

2004-08-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

"True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend... "

OK, so the girlfriend part isn't so applicable, but you get the idea. Anyhow, I'm leaving for Chicago tomorrow for 4 days. I should be more excited to go- It's my 2nd favorite city- but right now I can't seem to work up much enthusiasm. Nothing a few nights of drinking and dancing can't fix, though. It's funny, really; here I was all excited that I had so much time off between the bar and starting work, but now that all of my friends have started I'm just bored and don't know what to do with myself.

One final note-- i was recently amazed to find out that a friend of mine, when editing articles for his law review, can actually tell just by looking whether a period is italicized. That's frickin incredible. And a little scary, too.

Whose House is This?!

2004-08-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

I love me some Ravens football. 24-0 tonight over the Falcons. And yeah, yeah, I know it's just preseason and doesn't mean much, but I still love seeing them win. And I never thought i'd say this, but go Kordell Stewart (I'm willing to overlook his years with the Steelers if he can make himself into a decent second string qb; time will tell). Note though, a black and gold jersey with his name on it, worn in Bmore, is still highly unacceptable.

I've got a fever....

2004-08-12T14:29:00.000-04:00

and the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!! oh...i tear up whenever i think about that. So I decided that in honor of my beloved cowbell, I'm going to post my top 5 will ferrell movie quotes (i left out snl lines cause there are just too many):

1. v. vaughn : Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him,
and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
w. ferrell: Cock. Balls.
v. vaughn : I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

2. "Well, Uhm, actually a pretty nice little saturday. We're gonna go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring. Y'know stuff like that, maybe bed, bath and beyond but i don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time."

3. "Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte!? "

4. "No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth."

5. SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

2004-08-11T13:55:00.000-04:00

thought of the day